Yo Carlos!

My parents are getting a divorce.  What’s worse is that they are fighting in court for custody of me (15 years old,) my little brother (11 years old,) and my older brother (16 years old.)   My mom is going through so much and she barely has any money live.  My dad on the other has a really high paying job, and can basically pay for anything he needs, and he’s got a really expensive attorney with a whole bunch of tricks up his sleeve.  This whole this is really getting to my mom.   She has an attorney, but she can barely afford it.  She’s trying really hard to keep us.  I’ve seen her crying and she has told me that she doesn’t want to lose us.  I don’t think my dad really cares either way and think that he’s just doing this to get back at my mom.

The confusing part is that the current custody arrangement is week to week.  My mom gets us one week and then my dad gets us the next week.  I stopped going to my dad’s house.  I feel that everyone on his side of the family is being rude and bad mouthing my mom.  I feel like the one always sticking up for her.  On top of that, my dad doesn’t approve of my 17 years old boyfriend.  I don’t understand, it’s so confusing; One moment my dad is taking us out, then next moment we are home and he’s being mean to me.  One moment I hate him, the next moment I miss him a lot.  So I stop going to his house and now my family is really separated and broken.  What do I do? 

Stuck in the Middle.

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Dear Stuck,

Let’s get a few things clear right off the bat.  There are two things I know for certain.  One is that both of your parents love you very much.  How do I know this?  Because I’m a dad and there is a universal truth that all parents understand the moment they become one.   The moment I held my son, I instantly fell in love with him (true love at first sight.)  I loved more than life itself and suddenly it hit me; my mom and dad must love me this much.  In that moment, I understand the depth of their love.  So trust me, they love you.  The second thing I know for certain is that divorces are a very difficult “family” event.  Joey Negron, a Youth Behavior Specialist and author of “1Zero9: A Time to Remember,” agrees with me.  “Divorce effects everyone involved, so even though you feel your father is being mean towards your mother and you, your father is going through some issues of his own, as well as your other family members.  Be supportive of each other during this tough time.  Don't get caught up in playing sides.”

Now while I have never been through a divorce, my father passed away a year and half ago.  His death shattered my family and was an incredibly painful time for all of us.  I remember the pain of never being able to tell him all the things I wanted to say and never got the chance to.  Your parents may be breaking up, but you can still have both of them in your life.  So don’t say or do things that can you may regret, that may make an already difficult situation worse.  Joey Negron recommends using "I" statements when expressing your feelings such as, "Dad I don't appreciate you talking bad about mom in front of me," or "I feel sad when you do that.  Ask your father to respect you and your relationship with him.

 The last thing to remember is that you are not alone.  There are always people who are there for you.  According to Joey Negron, “it is always helpful to seek guidance from a peer, your parents, an adult or a professional (I.e. therapist, guidance counselor, social worker) to help you cope with your feelings.”

Remember that everything you and your family are going through comes from a place of pain.  You are all wounded from the divorce.  The way to heal those wounds is through love.  It’s not going to be easy, but if believe in yourself, you and your family will get through this.

Sincerely,